Abusive Relationships

Abusive relationships are like all other relationships.

1. They are an acknowledged connection between two or more people...
2. They can be voluntary or involuntary

And whether you are a therapist...or a minister...you will intervene differently with a volunteer "victim" than you would with a non-voluntary or captive victim. Because the volunteer victim is more difficult to deal with.

But first you have to spot the crucial difference between the two.

Abusive relationships are most often involuntary. As you might guess...most people will not allow others to abuse them. Child abuse comes immediately to mind because a child victim is literally the captive of the abuser.

(Abused adolescents often try to un-volunteer by running away from their abusers...but they can't change things for the better. Because we all know...and the teenager finds out pretty fast...that the world is just not set up to take care of adolescent needs for money...food...shelter and clothing.

So...the runaway adolescent might have to become a thief...a vagrant...a drug user...even a prostitute. These are forced choices that only add to the life-sapping effects of the original abuse.)

Some other captive victims could be the elderly, the physically disabled, the mentally disabled such as people with Alzheimer's disease, or those who are institutionalized in mental hospitals, nursing homes or prison.

But some people who can leave their abusers often do not. Or, if they do, they return of their own free will. These people are not victims...they are volunteers.

For the true victim in an involuntary relationship...the abuser calls the shots...the hits...the emotional abuse...the sexual assaults. And the victim can do little else but cooperate with the abuse.

Volunteer "victims" only play their role...and their "tormentors" only get to play the abuser role with the permission of...the casting director...the volunteer "victim"...who can leave the abuser. The abuse only takes place while the volunteer "victim" allows it. These volunteer "victims" are often difficult to help.

To read some examples and find out more about healthy relationships, as well as real and voluntary abuse victims, click on the link below.

Thomas Drummond, Ph.D. is trained in clinical, developmental and neuropsychology.